REALITY CHECK ･ TAYLOR READS TRUTH 2

John 5:39-40 says:

"You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! 40 Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life."

My chest is heavy just writing this post.

You should know this verse hit me in the face last week.

Sometimes I feel like I run and hide in doing things like devotionals or going to church so that I can avoid Jesus. Will it heighten my knowledge of Him and the things he teaches? Yes. Will I be able to have some sort of scripture riddled discussion with friends about Him? Sure. But will it mean anything if I don't whole-heartedly pursue a true relationship with Him? No.

I've been in this terrible game of cat and mouse the last year of my life. Constantly struggling with hidden sin and shame that makes it hard to even look at myself sometimes. We make excuses for ourselves all the time and try to make it seem alright that we do the things we do or have done when we know in all actuality that it's not alright. It wasn't until I started getting my butt back in church that I realized how terrible of a person I've been and how guilty of a person I had become.

A friend of mine posted a picture on Instagram yesterday with this quote:

"At the moment I sin, I desire the sin more than I desire to please God."

-R.C. Sproul 

Talk about some profound, gut-wrenching teaching.
You can sprinkle some edible glitter on whatever pile of crap you have on your plate, but at the end of the day, it's still just camouflaged crap.

I hurt my own feelings when I think about selfish I can be. How easily I can say, "Well, I wish I could be everything You call me to be Jesus, but really I just want A, B, and C, so I think that you just need to chill next door for a little while until I text you and ask for your forgiveness because I know that you'll always come back over and hang out until I tell you to go away again."
Think about it y'all. Sometimes we get so caught up in the whole "all-forgiving-God" thing that we don't see what we are doing. We all do this. Daily.

I want so badly to be the person that God calls me to be. The one that he knows I am capable of being. I want to stop burying myself in the hope that God will change me, and start setting myself free to soar on eagles' wings and know that I'm capable because I have God, but also not relying on just Him to make the difference. You have to want for yourself. You have to DO for yourself. Jesus didn't heal the sick and make disciples of men by simply telling God, "I know you got the power Father. Just make this stuff happen. K, thanks. I think I'm gonna go see what's new on Netflix in the meantime."

The thing is: We can't be the person that God calls us to be if we don't work through all our issues. We can't be that person that God calls us to be if we don't cry out to him and ask for forgiveness as well as the strength to not make this mistake again. We also can't continue to be doing these things we know are wrong, just to keep the game of cat and mouse up. See what I'm saying here?

It's hard to go from running from Jesus to running to Him. It's even harder to forgive yourself for mistakes you've made that you feel make you damaged goods of some sorts. I promise you, and myself this, though: If you DO cry out to Him, seek Him daily, surround yourself with people that you can lean on in times of famine, clear your life of all things convicting, then you can do it. You can be what God's needs you to be. It's not going to be easy. No sir, you'll have to deal with it daily. But I know that I know that I know it'll be well worth it. Be humble. Be eager. Seek his sufficiency. It's waiting on the other side of your fear and shame.

*I'm pretty sure that this entire post makes no sense. But I'm leaving it up. This is real life.