REMAIN.

Welcome back to the blogging world, Taylor.

I apologize for my extended absence - one that included a lot of soul-searching, regrouping, book reading, coffee, leaning on friends, and self-re-evaluation.

I feel like every week of my life for the last few months has had some grand hurdle to overcome, which I did, either gracefully or by the grace of God.

Y'all, God is so good. He plucked me from darkness and set me in motion to live a life that is so much more than I could have ever imagined for myself. The skills, talents, flaws, fervor, personality, love, zeal, convictions, joys, all of that and more, are in my very being because of Him. Even when I am in my weakest and most grief-ridden moments, I can always remember this. I can always lean on this.

I was sitting at Earth Fare last week waiting on my friends to come meet me for lunch, when I was catching up on some devotions. I read this quote by Margaret Feinberg that said, "Remain suspicious that God is up to something good." It kind of blew my mind a little bit. Okay a lot a bit and it's been on my mind since.

I've spent a great deal of time praying lately, which is really different for me because that's always been a struggle of mine. Instead of just telling God all of thing things I want on my list, I started thanking Him for what He'll be doing and what He has happening in the future. Whether it's me not getting the job I interviewed for this week, or my future husband, whoever he may be, I thank God for the plan He has for me, and then pray for the peace to accept what He chooses. It's a plan I couldn't even begin to make happen without His provision.

Now, let me get off my Jesus cloud for 1.2 seconds and tell you that there are moments that I forget this. I always want to jump about 6 steps ahead and make things happen before they should. That's why I had to start telling myself to "calm the $^$& down and get it together". I'm completely impatient and scared about the unknown. I'm not a planner by any means, but I like to have control in the spontaneous moments of life. This isn't always possible. It's pretty much never possible.

・Philippians 4:6・

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

This is the verse I have on an old ring that resurfaced when I was going through some things. Funny, huh? I'd had such a sense of uncertainty for months, and then, as if miraculously, this ring appears in the corner of an old Toms bag in my trunk. I've worn it every day since.

On top of all this, I want to have a shout-out to the best friends a girl can have. I told them last night between getting the biggest hugs and being told that they loved me, that this was the first time in my life that I haven't felt like I've had to compete with any of my friends. They're encouraging, uplifting, spiritual, hysterical, fun, and also tough-loving. I'm not sure if it's a maturity in me, or just finally picking good people to do life with, but my little family of friends is so great right now. Nothing is better than being able to talk about Jesus and then be so real probably too real about the REAL things of life. {I love all of you and the person you help me become every day. We also need some more shots together… it's more than evident in this moment.}

I promise to have a life-update post soon, complete with adventures in flower shops, coffee dates with a boy, plans for the Spring, and so much more.

REALITY CHECK ･ TAYLOR READS TRUTH 2

John 5:39-40 says:

"You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! 40 Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life."

My chest is heavy just writing this post.

You should know this verse hit me in the face last week.

Sometimes I feel like I run and hide in doing things like devotionals or going to church so that I can avoid Jesus. Will it heighten my knowledge of Him and the things he teaches? Yes. Will I be able to have some sort of scripture riddled discussion with friends about Him? Sure. But will it mean anything if I don't whole-heartedly pursue a true relationship with Him? No.

I've been in this terrible game of cat and mouse the last year of my life. Constantly struggling with hidden sin and shame that makes it hard to even look at myself sometimes. We make excuses for ourselves all the time and try to make it seem alright that we do the things we do or have done when we know in all actuality that it's not alright. It wasn't until I started getting my butt back in church that I realized how terrible of a person I've been and how guilty of a person I had become.

A friend of mine posted a picture on Instagram yesterday with this quote:

"At the moment I sin, I desire the sin more than I desire to please God."

-R.C. Sproul 

Talk about some profound, gut-wrenching teaching.
You can sprinkle some edible glitter on whatever pile of crap you have on your plate, but at the end of the day, it's still just camouflaged crap.

I hurt my own feelings when I think about selfish I can be. How easily I can say, "Well, I wish I could be everything You call me to be Jesus, but really I just want A, B, and C, so I think that you just need to chill next door for a little while until I text you and ask for your forgiveness because I know that you'll always come back over and hang out until I tell you to go away again."
Think about it y'all. Sometimes we get so caught up in the whole "all-forgiving-God" thing that we don't see what we are doing. We all do this. Daily.

I want so badly to be the person that God calls me to be. The one that he knows I am capable of being. I want to stop burying myself in the hope that God will change me, and start setting myself free to soar on eagles' wings and know that I'm capable because I have God, but also not relying on just Him to make the difference. You have to want for yourself. You have to DO for yourself. Jesus didn't heal the sick and make disciples of men by simply telling God, "I know you got the power Father. Just make this stuff happen. K, thanks. I think I'm gonna go see what's new on Netflix in the meantime."

The thing is: We can't be the person that God calls us to be if we don't work through all our issues. We can't be that person that God calls us to be if we don't cry out to him and ask for forgiveness as well as the strength to not make this mistake again. We also can't continue to be doing these things we know are wrong, just to keep the game of cat and mouse up. See what I'm saying here?

It's hard to go from running from Jesus to running to Him. It's even harder to forgive yourself for mistakes you've made that you feel make you damaged goods of some sorts. I promise you, and myself this, though: If you DO cry out to Him, seek Him daily, surround yourself with people that you can lean on in times of famine, clear your life of all things convicting, then you can do it. You can be what God's needs you to be. It's not going to be easy. No sir, you'll have to deal with it daily. But I know that I know that I know it'll be well worth it. Be humble. Be eager. Seek his sufficiency. It's waiting on the other side of your fear and shame.

*I'm pretty sure that this entire post makes no sense. But I'm leaving it up. This is real life.

I STARTED THIS POST COMPLAINING ・ TAYLOR READS TRUTH 1

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I did. I started it out complaining. But then I remembered all the goodness that God has given me this past week and I wanted nothing more than to erase everything I had typed. It's been such an interesting weekend. I say that because a lot has happened and a lot has changed.

I guess my weekend actually started on Thursday when I went to dinner with my best friend named Josh.

We've known each other since my family started going to church when I was twelve, but it wasn't until I moved away that we began to grow into close, and eventually the best of, friends. He came into town six months after I moved and kept coming up until a month before I came back - the only person that consistently visited me. Over the course of our friendship we have both grown tremendously. We went from getting drunk and dancing all night in December, to spending our mornings in cafes and laying on the beach in June. He rededicated his life the January after he first came to Charleston and he hasn't been the same since - and it's a great transformation. I won't go into all the details because it's not my story to tell, but I know that God has done such a great work in him so far and I'm always thrilled to see him. He's a workaholic, so this rarely happens.

As we sat across the table from each other at our traditional Josh-Taylor-Dinner Mexican restaurant, we went over the small details of what had happened since we last saw each other (January 1 to be exact) and then delved into the good stuff. The God stuff. We talked about our faults, our struggles, our triumphs, and excitement. Me about my happiness from finding a place to worship and grow with God that actually feels like it could be my home, and him growing closer with some wonderful spiritual leaders at the church I left behind. We talked for over two hours and it felt like fifteen minutes.

Friday came with the plans to go to a mutual friend of ours and watch a movie with a small group of people I hadn't seen in months. They were as welcoming as ever, thrilled I was there and equally thrilled that I was attending a great church. We laughed and gave snapchat tips. Ate cookies and snuggled under blankets. I made some really cool new friends that night. I left there and headed to Brooke and Lexie's place and didn't leave until almost 3 a.m.

Saturday I went to dinner with my family and made my way to B&L's again because, well, duh. I pretty much spend every weekend with them these days. We watched Sherlock and drank hot chocolate and had great conversation that led me to almost peeing in my pants at least three times. Another late night for me and I was wiped, but ready for church the next day.

We're studying about being "Fruitful", a thing I haven't exactly been in years. My vine has been laying on and relying on others' vines for support for such a long time. I'm so thankful that through these messages, and with the guidance of good people in my life, I'm starting to get my life on track again. I started the She Reads Truth study on John today since it's going along with a lot of things we're learning in church.

Some favorite verses I read today include:

・John 1:16・
"From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

・John 1:23・
"John replied […], 'I am a voice shouting in the wilderness "Clear the way for the Lord's coming!"'"

I want to be that. A voice shouting the praises and promises of God into the wilderness. Into the face of everyone I love and don't know. A shining light and an example of everything good and wondrous about the Lord of everything. The one that saves me daily. That fights for me. That grants me "one gracious blessing after another".

So today starts a new chapter on the Taylor in her Twenties blog - "Taylor Reads Truth", because I'm obviously not as creative as I think I am, and because I am physically reading truth. I'll be posting highlights of my journey with John at least once, if not more times, a week.

I encourage you to follow along and read this study with me and let it change and shape your life as much as I hope it does mine.