"I'M JUST A BELIEVER THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER"

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I can truly say it's been the most interesting few weeks.

Getting over a boy is not an easy feat. Especially when you think of all the reasons why you would be a really cool couple. Also especially when they suddenly like to hang out with your friends. Even more especially when you saw them last night and they engaged you and you laughed together on more than one occasion and it makes you a little sad. But, you know what you gotta do? Stop what you're imagining, think about what you'd tell your friend if she was you, sigh, and keep going forward. Sometimes people just need to be friends and that's it. Thankfully, you don't owe anyone anything and you don't have to be friends today. Maybe someday. Probably someday.

The relief I felt when my best guy friend and I talked about what chili night meant to my mom and if she thought that we were dating is out of this world. I think that Jesus knew that that conversation needed to be had because there are way too many inquiring minds, mine included. I think that the idea of my bgf liking me was more stressful than exciting and I think that there's something not-quite-right about a feeling like that. Plus, I think that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should date them. Does that makes sense? And anyone that knows what my haircut looked like in 2003 is not on my "let's get married" list.

This whole freelancing situation is still bizarre to me. I'm sure that this will be the only two, yes two, projects I'll do for this company, but I think it's crazy in both "how is this real life" and "this is amazing" kind of ways. I do hope that I'll be appointed to do more things for them in the future, but until then I'm keeping a level-headed approach and not trying to get my hopes up. I'll definitely share those when the events are over - I can't wait!

Thing is, this is all that I have going on these days. I see my friends five out of the seven days of the week and the other two I spend at home designing, watching Netflix and attempting to spend time with Jesus. I know what you're thinking, "Wow, are you secretly 17? Your life is the biggest cake walk ever. Let's trade." Wrong. I'm closer to 25 than 24, unemployed, and a bit of a hot mess. BUT GUESS WHAT. I'm trading all my shame for hope that everything may not be too ideal but in time it will be okay. I feel like I'm "taking a semester off" from adulthood.

Many days I wish I was waking up in my 100+ year old house. I'd get up, blast Ron Pope while getting dressed, go downstairs, brush my teeth and make my way out of Downtown Charleston to the West Ashley bridge and pull into the parking lot of the toy store. Spend my day scream singing Billy Joel with my manager and selling Lego's to a mother of three. I'd leave work for a bit, go to Jason's, get a grilled cheese and come back and do the same until my shift ended. Go home, make some chicken and alfredo and watch Neflix for an hour or two. Go upstairs, watch more Neflix in my room or call my Mom until I was too tired to carry on. Rinse, wash repeat until my days off that I would spend in said room designing cards and basking in the amazing light that came through the four giant windows I had in my tree-lined wonderland. Or I'd drive over to East Bay and park on a side street, wandering until my quarters would run out; getting a coffee, trying not to trip on cobblestones. It makes my heart hurt thinking of the people I don't see everyday.

But you know something? All that is something that I can have back again someday. As I say this exact sentence, the sky parted and the biggest gush of light just rushed out from behind the clouds. God has a plan. He brought me there and he brought be back for a REASON. I have to remind myself of this more often than not. I cry for the people, the streets, the air that I left behind, but I know that if I had to go back right now I wouldn't be satisfied like I would be making something new for me here. I know that's the plan. Something is going to happen in Augusta. It won't be because of a boy or a best friend that is a boy or getting some amazing dream job that will make me weep from joy. No, it'll be because of the God that created me. The one that shows me His love every single day I cry out to him for help and for peace. He is there. He is watching everything unfold. The problem with Charleston was that I was too content and I didn't "need" God. He makes us uncomfortable so we will remember who's in control. Who's got it. Cause I do NOT got it. He will keep us joy-filled until we are no longer striving for more, reaching for the next rung in our life-ladder.

That's where I am right now: Reaching. Waiting. Praying. Hoping. Expecting. Believing.

A LIST OF STUFF III

Things I've learned this week:

・Even an apology can come from a selfish place. That doesn't mean you hold onto how you feel forever, but that also doesn't mean you can accept it any time soon.

・Remembering your worth isn't always easy. Sometimes you have to take more than one step back, revaluate, and remember that you deserve the kind of love and advice you give to others for yourself. There's nothing harder than listening to this advice, but after a few days you'll start to feel better.

・Those people that let you lay on their couch and cry and cuddle with them are good people. Bonus points for them getting a bag of chocolate and chips and making you laugh until you begin crying again.

・Being best friends with a boy is no simple feat. Especially one that's ridiculously good looking, kind, fun, generous, and loves the Lord. But. Oh, but. That doesn't mean you can let him in every door you have. Guard your heart… and quite possibly his.

・Being an active Christian is so much harder than being a lukewarm one. Life a year ago was easy peasy not having to worry about anyone but my friends' and mine opinion ruling my life and how I lived it. In hindsight you realize that's so ignorant. And you also realize that the smallest things, like talking crap about someone that did you wrong, makes you feel overwhelming guilt. It's not fair. Jesus, I need you to get these trials outta here!

・God will close all the doors making you feel like you're suffocating. He will tell you "NO." He will make you want to lay in the fetal and cry. But He's still there. He's cooking up things like insanely amazing freelancing opportunities and a broadened appreciation for the people you have in your life. You just have to wait. Be still. Live every moment knowing that God will have something better for you. Press into Him. Know that just because something wasn't meant for you doesn't mean that there isn't something else better.

SHOUT OUT

source unknown

Let's talk about "Wounds".

This was a term I picked up when I was a fresh-faced 18 year old college freshman reading "Captivating" with my church bible study group. (I'll take this moment to tell you that if you're a Christian woman, you absolutely need to read this book. It helped me get some of my crap together in areas I needed to get it together in.) Wounds are moments, happenings, and things that occurred in your life that ultimately changed the way you view all the other moments, happenings, and things that occurred in your life. Whether it's a destructive friendship, confusing romantic relationship, or something as serious as an abusive situation, these can all create life-altering wounds.

I have a lot of wounds. I'm still working on healing a great deal of them to this day. My biggest problem in life is one that shouldn't be a problem to begin with: I love too much. I have tried for years and years to keep myself locked up, but I always end up letting pieces of my heart slip through the cracks in the door. This isn't just a romantic kind of love, but a friend love too. I just love people.

Thing is, people don't always love me. 

It's taken me many years, tears, relationship flops, and bad experiences to come to terms with this fact of life. I think in general that life just isn't fair. No one gets through unscathed. NO one. That doesn't make bad dates any better. And it doesn't make you feel better the morning after either. But, you get up, put on some Martha Reeves and dance it out. You might cry while you're dancing. Can't even say I don't. But the song will end, you'll play it again, and you'll feel a little better. 

More than anything: Keep loving. No matter how much it hurts, keep loving.

LIFE AND OTHER THINGS

⏐original photo⏐

Life's been funny lately. "Funny" probably isn't a good or descriptive enough word to really get down to the real feelings of what's happening these days.

Instead of speaking of any saddening or darker things that may or may not have happened lately, instead I will share the happy light things.

Let's start with what I like to call, "My hellish adventure in flower cutting". I say "hellish" because, in hindsight it wasn't so bad, but at the time it was one of the lower valleys of my life since I'd come home. I'm talking crazy gossiping old ladies that refer to their husbands as "my man" and let strangers weigh in on their sex lives. All this and some serious cuts that left a scar on my thumb from trimming stems at 45 degree angles, mornings of water soaked shirts and hose wrestling, buckets filled to the brim with the thorniest of roses, and you got yourself a glimpse at a week in a flower shop. Needless to say I have realized that it is just not in my calling, and I'm more than okay with that. Just because you're creative doesn't mean you can create everything. That week set into motion the knowing of how much bigger God's plans for my life were and that I needed to remember that, even in the simple frustrations of arranging a dozen long stem roses.

I've been submerging myself in Matt Chandler's "Mingling of Souls" and boy oh boy, is it a game-changer. Y'all, dating is weird. It's messy and complicated and scary. It also doesn't get any better or easier with age. I think if anything it gets messier, more complicated, and scarier. Especially when you are getting to know someone. That's kind of where I'm at right now. I am starting to like someone. It's so much fun having a crush on someone - sitting with your friends decoding what they text you or how they act when you're in the same room together. Doing victory dances when they text you after a day of not hearing from them, especially when you were strong and didn't text them first. But then you will spend hours obsessing. Why are they talking to me so much if they're not asking me out? Are we just friends? Am I in this mystical "friend-zone" that the bitter, rejected men of the world talk about so much? Or does he have an interest in me and is too shy to ask me out? How can I fix this? PROBLEMS. It's hard for me sometimes because I try to be a take charge kind of person that helps bring resolution to any sort of problems. Guess what? It's not that simple. And it's even harder being a single christian lady. We want to be pursued and treasured. It's difficult to have patience and not listen to all that crap about "Don't be afraid! Ask him out!". No Cosmo, I like my guys asking me out themselves, please and thank you.

I had someone tell me the other day that I was a "Hipster Betty White". I think that may be one of the nicest compliments I've ever received from someone that hardly knows me. This person also informed my friends and me that we have a wonderful kind of friendship. I couldn't have agreed more.

・Psalm 51:16-17・

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, Oh God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

This has been a verse ringing through my ears this week. So many times I've been ashamed in my brokenness and have refused to even look to God for forgiveness. Whether it's guilt or being so in denial of my wrong doing and human-nature, I turn from it and refuse to acknowledge it. He tells us that even in our shame he loves us. Even in our dirtiest depths he still searches for us. And that my friends, that's enough for me. Oh how sweet it is to be loved by You, God. How sweet indeed.

REMAIN.

Welcome back to the blogging world, Taylor.

I apologize for my extended absence - one that included a lot of soul-searching, regrouping, book reading, coffee, leaning on friends, and self-re-evaluation.

I feel like every week of my life for the last few months has had some grand hurdle to overcome, which I did, either gracefully or by the grace of God.

Y'all, God is so good. He plucked me from darkness and set me in motion to live a life that is so much more than I could have ever imagined for myself. The skills, talents, flaws, fervor, personality, love, zeal, convictions, joys, all of that and more, are in my very being because of Him. Even when I am in my weakest and most grief-ridden moments, I can always remember this. I can always lean on this.

I was sitting at Earth Fare last week waiting on my friends to come meet me for lunch, when I was catching up on some devotions. I read this quote by Margaret Feinberg that said, "Remain suspicious that God is up to something good." It kind of blew my mind a little bit. Okay a lot a bit and it's been on my mind since.

I've spent a great deal of time praying lately, which is really different for me because that's always been a struggle of mine. Instead of just telling God all of thing things I want on my list, I started thanking Him for what He'll be doing and what He has happening in the future. Whether it's me not getting the job I interviewed for this week, or my future husband, whoever he may be, I thank God for the plan He has for me, and then pray for the peace to accept what He chooses. It's a plan I couldn't even begin to make happen without His provision.

Now, let me get off my Jesus cloud for 1.2 seconds and tell you that there are moments that I forget this. I always want to jump about 6 steps ahead and make things happen before they should. That's why I had to start telling myself to "calm the $^$& down and get it together". I'm completely impatient and scared about the unknown. I'm not a planner by any means, but I like to have control in the spontaneous moments of life. This isn't always possible. It's pretty much never possible.

・Philippians 4:6・

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

This is the verse I have on an old ring that resurfaced when I was going through some things. Funny, huh? I'd had such a sense of uncertainty for months, and then, as if miraculously, this ring appears in the corner of an old Toms bag in my trunk. I've worn it every day since.

On top of all this, I want to have a shout-out to the best friends a girl can have. I told them last night between getting the biggest hugs and being told that they loved me, that this was the first time in my life that I haven't felt like I've had to compete with any of my friends. They're encouraging, uplifting, spiritual, hysterical, fun, and also tough-loving. I'm not sure if it's a maturity in me, or just finally picking good people to do life with, but my little family of friends is so great right now. Nothing is better than being able to talk about Jesus and then be so real probably too real about the REAL things of life. {I love all of you and the person you help me become every day. We also need some more shots together… it's more than evident in this moment.}

I promise to have a life-update post soon, complete with adventures in flower shops, coffee dates with a boy, plans for the Spring, and so much more.

WHELMED

Serious question: Have you ever felt equally under- and overwhelmed with your own life that they literally cancel each other out?

You just feel… under/over whelmed?

Whelmed. I'm sure it's not a thing, but I'm making it one. When someone asks me how life is going, I'll just simply answer, "Whelming." I'll get some quizzical expressions, but it's how I'm feeling these days.

It's hard because I know that although life isn't exactly as up to par as it can be, I feel hopeless and scattered at times. I'm not sure if this is a true test of my spirit and Satan is just trying to get me down, but it seems like I'm constantly feeling like I'm not good enough. Not funny enough, skinny enough, nice enough, Godly enough. Just really whelmed in every area of life.

I think most of this is due to some spiritual warfare - God is working in my life in ways I haven't had in many years and I'm actually letting myself be changed and nurtured by the Spirit - but then I also think it's due to some "girl-flesh" just getting me down. I also don't think that that's a thing, but again, I'm making it one. You always hear pastors reference your "flesh" and how it's a contributing factor the sinful parts of you, but let's be real here, pastors don't know nothin' about that girl-flesh.

Those waking thoughts that like to come up at 2 a.m. when all you want is to sleep but you can't stop thinking about some boy that broke your heart over four years ago and all you want is to cry for a year and you're not even really sure why. Or when you're with your friends and although you love them with all your heart, you sometimes feel inadequate or insignificant beside them because they have nicer clothes or a bigger house, or any other thing that you can feel envious of. Girl-flesh is the things that make girls sweat it out while the boys are at home sleeping and don't even a care in the world. It's the comparisons and passive-aggressive anxieties and the will-he-won't-he scenarios you play in your mind that lead you to self-doubt.

Being a girl is some hard work. Men just don't even know.

When it comes to feeling whelmed, I think it's just something we go through from time to time. All we really can do is keep truckin'. I'm thankful that God has blessed me with friends that I can call at all hours of the night and cry and they'll love me regardless. The kind of friends that help nurture your spirit and grow with you… and can drink a beer with the best of them and apply bronzer like a pro. Those are the people you look for in life. The beer and bronzer are just pluses, but the rest is vital.

Side-Note  ::   Above all else: love yourself. Don't let something you may or may not have let happen in your life get you in a dark place. Sometimes you wake up and see things differently. Chances are you'll still be as confused as you were at 1:38 a.m. but at least you're thinking about it. You're not avoiding your own life which is just as dangerous as feeding into the sadness.   ::

I feel like this post is truly depressing, but I just wanted to lay my heart out there. It's been an interesting 12 hours to say the least, 12 hours that consisted of only 4 hours of sleep and a whole lot of Ron Pope, but I'm going to brush myself off and carry on because, well, the show must go on.

A LIST OF STUFF

・"Fast Car" requires about 55,000 listens to even memorize the chorus.

・My love for my best guy friend grows every single day. I don't know how I'd be doing life without him right now.

・I'm feeling very nervous about going to church Sunday morning without my twinzies, but I think it'll be fine. Obviously. If I could go to Newspring by myself the Sundays I went, I know that this will be a piece of cake.

・"Renting" movies from the library is the closest any of us will ever get to Blockbuster.

・The 1975's album is still as addictive as the first day I listened to it.
・I'm not emotionally prepared to watch Parenthood's last episode.
・This video changed my opinion about EVERYTHING last night.
・Today's been a really good day. Cheers to the weekend.

REALITY CHECK ･ TAYLOR READS TRUTH 2

John 5:39-40 says:

"You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! 40 Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life."

My chest is heavy just writing this post.

You should know this verse hit me in the face last week.

Sometimes I feel like I run and hide in doing things like devotionals or going to church so that I can avoid Jesus. Will it heighten my knowledge of Him and the things he teaches? Yes. Will I be able to have some sort of scripture riddled discussion with friends about Him? Sure. But will it mean anything if I don't whole-heartedly pursue a true relationship with Him? No.

I've been in this terrible game of cat and mouse the last year of my life. Constantly struggling with hidden sin and shame that makes it hard to even look at myself sometimes. We make excuses for ourselves all the time and try to make it seem alright that we do the things we do or have done when we know in all actuality that it's not alright. It wasn't until I started getting my butt back in church that I realized how terrible of a person I've been and how guilty of a person I had become.

A friend of mine posted a picture on Instagram yesterday with this quote:

"At the moment I sin, I desire the sin more than I desire to please God."

-R.C. Sproul 

Talk about some profound, gut-wrenching teaching.
You can sprinkle some edible glitter on whatever pile of crap you have on your plate, but at the end of the day, it's still just camouflaged crap.

I hurt my own feelings when I think about selfish I can be. How easily I can say, "Well, I wish I could be everything You call me to be Jesus, but really I just want A, B, and C, so I think that you just need to chill next door for a little while until I text you and ask for your forgiveness because I know that you'll always come back over and hang out until I tell you to go away again."
Think about it y'all. Sometimes we get so caught up in the whole "all-forgiving-God" thing that we don't see what we are doing. We all do this. Daily.

I want so badly to be the person that God calls me to be. The one that he knows I am capable of being. I want to stop burying myself in the hope that God will change me, and start setting myself free to soar on eagles' wings and know that I'm capable because I have God, but also not relying on just Him to make the difference. You have to want for yourself. You have to DO for yourself. Jesus didn't heal the sick and make disciples of men by simply telling God, "I know you got the power Father. Just make this stuff happen. K, thanks. I think I'm gonna go see what's new on Netflix in the meantime."

The thing is: We can't be the person that God calls us to be if we don't work through all our issues. We can't be that person that God calls us to be if we don't cry out to him and ask for forgiveness as well as the strength to not make this mistake again. We also can't continue to be doing these things we know are wrong, just to keep the game of cat and mouse up. See what I'm saying here?

It's hard to go from running from Jesus to running to Him. It's even harder to forgive yourself for mistakes you've made that you feel make you damaged goods of some sorts. I promise you, and myself this, though: If you DO cry out to Him, seek Him daily, surround yourself with people that you can lean on in times of famine, clear your life of all things convicting, then you can do it. You can be what God's needs you to be. It's not going to be easy. No sir, you'll have to deal with it daily. But I know that I know that I know it'll be well worth it. Be humble. Be eager. Seek his sufficiency. It's waiting on the other side of your fear and shame.

*I'm pretty sure that this entire post makes no sense. But I'm leaving it up. This is real life.

CHIT-CHAT

⏐current inspiring little morsels on my bulletin board⏐ 

I apologize for the lack of content this past week. It's been a busy, trying, life-sorting time and I'm a little in over my head.

I'm currently in the midst of struggling trying to find a design job in this non-design concerned city. Until that dream job appears out of thin air (and by God's grace) I am keeping myself preoccupied with Netflix binges, multi devotionals a day, and keeping my friends from being productive at their jobs by snapchatting them all day.

Thankfully, I have a dear friend that told me his family's flower shop was in search for some people to join their production team for Valentine's week. I walked in, shook some hands, and handed over my freshly printed, and very badass might I add, resume with high hopes of getting a call back. The next day I had a voicemail awaiting me. So for one week I'll be pruning peonies and tying millions of ribbons on vases in the name of the holiday I hate the most. Positives include moolah, getting myself out of this house, and learning a skill I've been eager to know for so long. Negatives include a whole lot of things I could complain about, but one of my biggest convictions as of late is negativity and therefore I refuse to acknowledge anything bad about this situation.

About forty-five minutes ago I applied to a t-shirt designing shop. Here's hoping that turns into something more than promising, even if I'm absolutely terrified.

I went to the library yesterday for some time to myself. I drank a iced latte, spent some time with Jesus, and then ventured downstairs and spent a couple of hours taking in the musty scent of books. I have a strange obsession with the smell of old books. (Them and the post office. Now you know entirely too much about me, but I'm okay with that.) I came home with a volume of art that makes my mouth water from how beautiful every page is. If I could live through one artistic timeline, it would be a toss-up between the era of the Ancient Egyptians, the intricate sculpting of the Romans and Greeks, and the ever lovely Renaissance. Who could really choose that easily though? I also got a really cool YSL book and a few oldish movies to watch (Dead Poet's Society, City of Angels, and 500 Days of Summer). I watched D.P.S. earlier for the first time ever… cried, no wept, like a baby.

Other than that I'm relearning HTML, keeping my room clean, and spending all the time I can with the people that bring me joy, whether that's Brooke and Lexie, Josh, or my crazy family. That's all my social circle consists of lately. Every now and then I'll have someone else sprinkled in there for a night or two, but it's really just them. That both gives me great comfort, and terrifies me at the same time. I've lived a great deal of my life making and losing friends at rapid pace and I'm actually getting at that spot where if I feel like someone is that easily disposable then I don't even waste my time. Why bother with the drama if it's unnecessary?

Regardless of all this silence I'll be back soon. I promise!

NEW SEASONS CALL FOR NEW CIRCUMSTANCE

⏐shop taylor paper until 02.07⏐

Moving on is hard. It's rough, it's unforgiving at times, and frankly just full of questions.

"Did I really think this through?"

"Am I making a huge mistake?"

"How much am I going to regret this in a month, week, day?"

"Is this the most foolish decision of my life?"

I've spent a better part of two years leading my life toward one goal: working for myself. It's been difficult, stressful, rewarding, wonderful, and overall enriching. But right now all I want is a break, money in my bank account, and something else I didn't think I'd really ever want. What is that "something else" you ask?

A creative job in the world.

If I could travel back in time and tell my twenty-one year old self this very statement, I think she'd throw an absolute fit. I never wanted to work for a company that was bigger than myself. I always dreamed of working on my own time, by my own rules, in my own space. Little did I know that that wasn't going to happen as quickly or efficiently as I thought.

I aspire to so much and I also feel the weight of not meeting that aspiration constantly. It's a burden to not be the success you see others be and it's an equally heavy burden to feel like you're falling backward and not forward.

Christmas was a huge success for me, but it honestly wasn't enough. Not so much in the monetary department, because that's not everything to me in terms of happiness, but as far as feeling a beam of excitement radiating out of me. It wasn't there. I didn't feel joy when I told people I was a "greeting card designer" because I felt like I wasn't doing everything I could do or be.

I want more. I'm not sure what exactly more is or how I will get it.

I thought I could find it in Charleston and although Charleston was a great and wonderful adventure, it wasn't everything I hoped it would be. Back here in Augusta, I want to find that "more" that I've been searching for for so long. I know without a doubt that I'm here for a reason. I feel it in my bones. It's that beam of excitement radiating out of me. Not only am I really getting all of my priorities in order, but I'm finally growing in my relationship with God in ways that I haven't in many many years. That alone makes my heart happy.

I yearn for designing at a desk surrounded by other happy creatives. Testing myself. Growing in knowledge.

I'm sure a lot of this post is repeated multiple ways from Sunday, but I am a rambling mess right now, as you can tell.

I hope this journey brings me all the happiness I hope for and I hope your own life brings you unending joy in the pursuit of everything that makes you happy; that you'll find your own beam of excitement and that it will also radiate out of you.

I STARTED THIS POST COMPLAINING ・ TAYLOR READS TRUTH 1

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I did. I started it out complaining. But then I remembered all the goodness that God has given me this past week and I wanted nothing more than to erase everything I had typed. It's been such an interesting weekend. I say that because a lot has happened and a lot has changed.

I guess my weekend actually started on Thursday when I went to dinner with my best friend named Josh.

We've known each other since my family started going to church when I was twelve, but it wasn't until I moved away that we began to grow into close, and eventually the best of, friends. He came into town six months after I moved and kept coming up until a month before I came back - the only person that consistently visited me. Over the course of our friendship we have both grown tremendously. We went from getting drunk and dancing all night in December, to spending our mornings in cafes and laying on the beach in June. He rededicated his life the January after he first came to Charleston and he hasn't been the same since - and it's a great transformation. I won't go into all the details because it's not my story to tell, but I know that God has done such a great work in him so far and I'm always thrilled to see him. He's a workaholic, so this rarely happens.

As we sat across the table from each other at our traditional Josh-Taylor-Dinner Mexican restaurant, we went over the small details of what had happened since we last saw each other (January 1 to be exact) and then delved into the good stuff. The God stuff. We talked about our faults, our struggles, our triumphs, and excitement. Me about my happiness from finding a place to worship and grow with God that actually feels like it could be my home, and him growing closer with some wonderful spiritual leaders at the church I left behind. We talked for over two hours and it felt like fifteen minutes.

Friday came with the plans to go to a mutual friend of ours and watch a movie with a small group of people I hadn't seen in months. They were as welcoming as ever, thrilled I was there and equally thrilled that I was attending a great church. We laughed and gave snapchat tips. Ate cookies and snuggled under blankets. I made some really cool new friends that night. I left there and headed to Brooke and Lexie's place and didn't leave until almost 3 a.m.

Saturday I went to dinner with my family and made my way to B&L's again because, well, duh. I pretty much spend every weekend with them these days. We watched Sherlock and drank hot chocolate and had great conversation that led me to almost peeing in my pants at least three times. Another late night for me and I was wiped, but ready for church the next day.

We're studying about being "Fruitful", a thing I haven't exactly been in years. My vine has been laying on and relying on others' vines for support for such a long time. I'm so thankful that through these messages, and with the guidance of good people in my life, I'm starting to get my life on track again. I started the She Reads Truth study on John today since it's going along with a lot of things we're learning in church.

Some favorite verses I read today include:

・John 1:16・
"From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

・John 1:23・
"John replied […], 'I am a voice shouting in the wilderness "Clear the way for the Lord's coming!"'"

I want to be that. A voice shouting the praises and promises of God into the wilderness. Into the face of everyone I love and don't know. A shining light and an example of everything good and wondrous about the Lord of everything. The one that saves me daily. That fights for me. That grants me "one gracious blessing after another".

So today starts a new chapter on the Taylor in her Twenties blog - "Taylor Reads Truth", because I'm obviously not as creative as I think I am, and because I am physically reading truth. I'll be posting highlights of my journey with John at least once, if not more times, a week.

I encourage you to follow along and read this study with me and let it change and shape your life as much as I hope it does mine.

TWENTY-FIFTEEN

Let's talk about my problem with "Resolutions".
Firstly, I never follow through with anything called a resolution. The pressure is too heavy.
Secondly, I feel like the actual definition of a resolution means more than the word does in modern society. When you hear that word, you think of failure and faulty achievements that were given up days after you made them. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
The definition of "Resolution" is "a firm decision to do or not to do something." If you think about it, you can make every day a day to resolute something, not just January 1st.
Therefore, I made some resolutions/goals/hopes/dreams for myself this year and I am working to achieve them on the daily.
They are as follows:

Get it together. I'm not sure what exactly that entails, but in my mind it means being at peace with my life and the direction it's heading. Ever since I moved back to Augusta it's been a learning process - letting go of all my old baggage and feeling free to be the person I am in this town. Not only have I been hit with this learning process, but I'm actually at a fork in the road. I can either pursue something in designing, or I can get a regular 9-5 that I may or may not fall in love with at some point. It's hard being a grown-up, but I feel like it's okay to be okay with not being 100% okay. Okay? Case in point - I want to be happy with the crazy as much as one possibly can.

Expand my creative horizons. If you know me, it's no question how much I loathe photoshop. It made me cry every time I had to use it in college and even some times after. Although I was completely dramatic at the ripe age of 22, I do still harbor ill-feelings towards the program. Since I've been home and have had endless time to do designing, I've actually opened my heart back up to PS… and I've been more than pleasantly surprised. On top of this, I've started painting again, and even invested in some embossing equipment. I hope that I can continue all this expansion by doing some watercolor painting, throwing pots, and even dipping my toe in the calligraphy waters.

Rid my life of all things deemed unnecessary. This resolution goes two ways - I want to cut the clutter and trim the fat. When I moved back I left majority of my belongings in the garage packed away. I did this because I both didn't want to unpack and because I wanted to see what mattered most. Finally, one Monday I was feeling frustrated about life and went through everything in those boxes and went from four huge boxes, to two half-filled ones. I've realized since I have most of my little trinkets up and away my room has been so much easier to manage and I've started to believe the saying "organized space, organized mind". On top of ridding myself of so much stuff, I've also been "trimming myself of the fat", which is a term I use to refer to people that weigh you down. You realize who your friends are very quickly when circumstances arise. People come, they go, the mingle for a while and then drift away. It's all really the circle of life. But sometimes, people come and they stay well past their welcome. They become a hindrance to your growth and your overall well-being. Do yourself the biggest favor you can, and let them go, no matter how hard it is. I promise God will fill that space with either another person that will make your heart soar ten-fold, or the hope that you'll be okay and it's for the best.

Stop thinking I can do it all. I surely can't. I've been running from the obvious for years, and it's that without God you can't do anything. And everything that you do won't be sufficient enough for you in the long-run. You'll find other things to fill voids that you wish so desperately were filled and it'll only lead to continued unhappiness and frustration. It's hard for me to let go and let God. I've always had an independent spirit and it's by God's grace that I've been able to be that person - headstrong and (usually) knowing what I want or what I should do in any situation. But sometimes, and by some I mean most, God sends you a circumstance that makes you realize that you're helpless without him. You have to stop being so independent and become fully dependent on His guidance. It's hard. You'll cry a lot. But at the end, it'll all be worth it. Also - even if my parents drive me crazy because they constantly want to know where I am or what I'm doing or what time I'll be home, I have to step back and realize it's because they love me. They show me this love by letting me live in their crazy house and by letting me figure out my life for a little longer. I can't thank God enough for them and their rough and rowdy ways.

It's January 18 and so far all is going well. Finding a job is stressful. Living with said parents is stressful. Not having any money is stressful. But it could all be worse. I'm capable and able. So now all I have to do is post this and finish my resume because that's what adults with resolutions do.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

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Welcome to the newer, more beautiful Taylor in her Twenties. More changes will be coming soon, but until then I wanted to give you some updates, inspiration, and insight into life around here lately.

Last we spoke I'd been back in Augusta for a little less than a month and I was pedaling heavily down the Taylor Paper path. Christmas of 2014 was very good to me and I can't begin to express the thankfulness I feel everyday that I've been able to do what I love everyday for the last few months. With all that being said I'm looking forward to getting a real big girl job - not only because I'm both broke and burnt out, but because I'm ready to get out in the world and do some new things I've never done before as well as meet some new people. If I had my dream job right now, it'd be in a creative space with other people with different perspectives on design and we'd all work together making the world a prettier place in the name of good design. Unfortunately that's not really a thing in Augusta. Therefore I gotta figure some stuff out. Until then, I'll be working on my resume and trying my hardest to keep escaping this creative dry-spell I've found myself in lately.

The first way I've tried recovering from said dry-spell is by broadening my interests. Since I moved back I've been creating a pin board of all the textures, patterns, shapes, surfaces, and overall look of the next place I'll be living in. It started with a completely different look - more hippy, vintage, hipstery - and has slowly evolved into a more rugged and white haven with loads of wood, copper, and Persian rugs. I noticed this was a reoccurring theme when I found myself tearing out pictures from the Men's section of J. Crew's old catalogs more often then the Women's. Who knew that patterned socks could be so inspiring?

With all of this being said, I created a little cluster of things I'm really digging lately: Overwhelmingly beautiful architecture, bold wall-hung letters and hand-lettering, weathered woods, richly colored linen banners, geometric patterned bed sheets and trimmings, oversized and mix-match textured floral crowns, this old favorite from Dave Matthews Band (that I've just recently started to like), perfectly hand-crafted canvas duffles, and wine and navy colored and pattered menswear.

I have to be honest with all of you, Taylor Paper has been a true burden to me the last couple of weeks. Sitting on nothing but $15 in my bank account and being legitimately tired of all my designs has made me wonder if the dream has died. Am I not cut out for this anymore? Am I ready for something completely different? Is my passion for paper long gone? I really can't say for certain that I have answers to all these questions. I'm hoping that by blogging more and actively doing more things in my everyday I can get back the fire I once had for some 110 lb. card stock. Until then you can find me watching Parenthood on Netflix or obsessively listening to this album by Ron Pope and the ever lovely Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors.

Here's to new seasons, new quests, and new dreams - may they be plentiful in great adventures.