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This was supposed to be a post about life lately and the shit I've been buying to fill a longing that I don't quite understand. But it's not.
I will be moving blogs soon. I think it's time to start a new journey and God is stirring new longings in my heart that I want to pursue - things like online marketing classes and/or HTML courses and a complete renovation of both Taylor Paper and my saddened, hardened heart.
It's difficult explaining the hurt I've been carrying in my soul the last couple of months, and even more difficult explaining them to the people in my life that I love. The hurt is from no one person in particular, but a circulation of experiences that I've either brought upon myself or that have resurfaced.

God fights for us. Every day. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He does. I feel it in the deepest parts of my heart.
But I run.
I thought that I had finally finished running; that Charleston had cured me of my wrecked and rowdy ways and that this time in Augusta was going to be fine. Trust me, it has been a much much better transition and experience than I ever anticipated. And I know I talk about then and now so much, but it's just because then was not that long ago and now seems so far away sometimes that I live in that old room on my darkest nights. But, still, I find myself running from time to time.

But God has a plan and He knew that I would feel this way before He ever placed me onto this Earth. He knew I would be so frustrated and overwhelmed with self-hate. He knew that I would leave gatherings with people crying more times than not because I felt so big and yet so small in so many ways. He knew that I would push Him away because I knew that what I was doing was wrong, what I was feeling was wrong, what I was seeing was wrong, and I didn't even care enough to repent because I didn't feel guilty and I would do it again if I felt like it.

And, yet, He still loves me. Yet, He still pursues me every day. Yet, He believes in me and cares for me, and  is all I'll need; my portion and provider.

Yet.



My summer slogan for this stage in my life is, "Life is Weird." That's because it is. it's all those things that Taylor Swift sings about in "22", and I feel like it never gets any less weird. It's weird because no one knows anything about doing life. We all pretty much just wing it. That's both incredibly relieving and terrifying.
But now, I'm ready to stop begin such a bitch to myself, and get to winging. I spend so much of my life trying to make people understand why I feel a certain way, or why I have a big ankle, or how I'm not a hipster just because I like vinyl. I want to stop caring so much about unimportant things and start caring even more about the big important things: like my very best friends that carry pieces of my heart with them, designing pretty things that people love, hugging all the humans, and pushing my selfishness away and letting God in because this entire summer has proven that I can't do it alone.

Just let the chips fall where they may, let the chips fall. That's really all we can do.

THE HEART OF LIFE

Sometimes you just need a break to live and do life with the humans you have close to you. A little less typing, a little more doing. Regardless, you'd think I'd have something to update you on that I found adequate enough to spend my time writing about. I'm not so sure I really do.

The last few months have been filled with 8:30-5 Monday-Friday coffee-filled fogs, Amazon Prime and Spotify subscriptions, more than a fair share of trips to movie resell stores and less binging marathons on Netflix, endless card games, lots of #TacoTaylorTuesdays, birthday celebrations, buying books I don't know will ever get read because this is me we are talking about, figuring out and then complicating things, and just doing all the things I can try and do.

Jesus and I have had our ups and downs, as well as my self-esteem, friendships, and joy. I've realized that saying that everything is okay and actually believing that everything is okay are two completely different things.  I've also realized that playing the role of the "fun friend just here to lift everyone up and make embarrassing jokes" isn't who I always want to or hope to be. As you can see, the quarter-life crisis is in full swing and it makes me yearn to isolate myself until I figure something out, or until everyone hates me and I don't have to keep hurting them.

But, I realize that's selfish and I cannot do that. I have fought to have the people in my life that I am fortunate to have and it would be absolutely idiotic to let them fall to they wayside. Giving up is so much easier than fighting. That's what I intend to do - fight. Fight for what my heart knows is right and live it out. 

Here's to season 2 of "Taylor in Her Twenties". May it be fruitful.

"I'M JUST A BELIEVER THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER"

⏐ follow me on insta: @taylorgass ⏐

I can truly say it's been the most interesting few weeks.

Getting over a boy is not an easy feat. Especially when you think of all the reasons why you would be a really cool couple. Also especially when they suddenly like to hang out with your friends. Even more especially when you saw them last night and they engaged you and you laughed together on more than one occasion and it makes you a little sad. But, you know what you gotta do? Stop what you're imagining, think about what you'd tell your friend if she was you, sigh, and keep going forward. Sometimes people just need to be friends and that's it. Thankfully, you don't owe anyone anything and you don't have to be friends today. Maybe someday. Probably someday.

The relief I felt when my best guy friend and I talked about what chili night meant to my mom and if she thought that we were dating is out of this world. I think that Jesus knew that that conversation needed to be had because there are way too many inquiring minds, mine included. I think that the idea of my bgf liking me was more stressful than exciting and I think that there's something not-quite-right about a feeling like that. Plus, I think that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should date them. Does that makes sense? And anyone that knows what my haircut looked like in 2003 is not on my "let's get married" list.

This whole freelancing situation is still bizarre to me. I'm sure that this will be the only two, yes two, projects I'll do for this company, but I think it's crazy in both "how is this real life" and "this is amazing" kind of ways. I do hope that I'll be appointed to do more things for them in the future, but until then I'm keeping a level-headed approach and not trying to get my hopes up. I'll definitely share those when the events are over - I can't wait!

Thing is, this is all that I have going on these days. I see my friends five out of the seven days of the week and the other two I spend at home designing, watching Netflix and attempting to spend time with Jesus. I know what you're thinking, "Wow, are you secretly 17? Your life is the biggest cake walk ever. Let's trade." Wrong. I'm closer to 25 than 24, unemployed, and a bit of a hot mess. BUT GUESS WHAT. I'm trading all my shame for hope that everything may not be too ideal but in time it will be okay. I feel like I'm "taking a semester off" from adulthood.

Many days I wish I was waking up in my 100+ year old house. I'd get up, blast Ron Pope while getting dressed, go downstairs, brush my teeth and make my way out of Downtown Charleston to the West Ashley bridge and pull into the parking lot of the toy store. Spend my day scream singing Billy Joel with my manager and selling Lego's to a mother of three. I'd leave work for a bit, go to Jason's, get a grilled cheese and come back and do the same until my shift ended. Go home, make some chicken and alfredo and watch Neflix for an hour or two. Go upstairs, watch more Neflix in my room or call my Mom until I was too tired to carry on. Rinse, wash repeat until my days off that I would spend in said room designing cards and basking in the amazing light that came through the four giant windows I had in my tree-lined wonderland. Or I'd drive over to East Bay and park on a side street, wandering until my quarters would run out; getting a coffee, trying not to trip on cobblestones. It makes my heart hurt thinking of the people I don't see everyday.

But you know something? All that is something that I can have back again someday. As I say this exact sentence, the sky parted and the biggest gush of light just rushed out from behind the clouds. God has a plan. He brought me there and he brought be back for a REASON. I have to remind myself of this more often than not. I cry for the people, the streets, the air that I left behind, but I know that if I had to go back right now I wouldn't be satisfied like I would be making something new for me here. I know that's the plan. Something is going to happen in Augusta. It won't be because of a boy or a best friend that is a boy or getting some amazing dream job that will make me weep from joy. No, it'll be because of the God that created me. The one that shows me His love every single day I cry out to him for help and for peace. He is there. He is watching everything unfold. The problem with Charleston was that I was too content and I didn't "need" God. He makes us uncomfortable so we will remember who's in control. Who's got it. Cause I do NOT got it. He will keep us joy-filled until we are no longer striving for more, reaching for the next rung in our life-ladder.

That's where I am right now: Reaching. Waiting. Praying. Hoping. Expecting. Believing.

A LIST OF STUFF III

Things I've learned this week:

・Even an apology can come from a selfish place. That doesn't mean you hold onto how you feel forever, but that also doesn't mean you can accept it any time soon.

・Remembering your worth isn't always easy. Sometimes you have to take more than one step back, revaluate, and remember that you deserve the kind of love and advice you give to others for yourself. There's nothing harder than listening to this advice, but after a few days you'll start to feel better.

・Those people that let you lay on their couch and cry and cuddle with them are good people. Bonus points for them getting a bag of chocolate and chips and making you laugh until you begin crying again.

・Being best friends with a boy is no simple feat. Especially one that's ridiculously good looking, kind, fun, generous, and loves the Lord. But. Oh, but. That doesn't mean you can let him in every door you have. Guard your heart… and quite possibly his.

・Being an active Christian is so much harder than being a lukewarm one. Life a year ago was easy peasy not having to worry about anyone but my friends' and mine opinion ruling my life and how I lived it. In hindsight you realize that's so ignorant. And you also realize that the smallest things, like talking crap about someone that did you wrong, makes you feel overwhelming guilt. It's not fair. Jesus, I need you to get these trials outta here!

・God will close all the doors making you feel like you're suffocating. He will tell you "NO." He will make you want to lay in the fetal and cry. But He's still there. He's cooking up things like insanely amazing freelancing opportunities and a broadened appreciation for the people you have in your life. You just have to wait. Be still. Live every moment knowing that God will have something better for you. Press into Him. Know that just because something wasn't meant for you doesn't mean that there isn't something else better.

SHOUT OUT

source unknown

Let's talk about "Wounds".

This was a term I picked up when I was a fresh-faced 18 year old college freshman reading "Captivating" with my church bible study group. (I'll take this moment to tell you that if you're a Christian woman, you absolutely need to read this book. It helped me get some of my crap together in areas I needed to get it together in.) Wounds are moments, happenings, and things that occurred in your life that ultimately changed the way you view all the other moments, happenings, and things that occurred in your life. Whether it's a destructive friendship, confusing romantic relationship, or something as serious as an abusive situation, these can all create life-altering wounds.

I have a lot of wounds. I'm still working on healing a great deal of them to this day. My biggest problem in life is one that shouldn't be a problem to begin with: I love too much. I have tried for years and years to keep myself locked up, but I always end up letting pieces of my heart slip through the cracks in the door. This isn't just a romantic kind of love, but a friend love too. I just love people.

Thing is, people don't always love me. 

It's taken me many years, tears, relationship flops, and bad experiences to come to terms with this fact of life. I think in general that life just isn't fair. No one gets through unscathed. NO one. That doesn't make bad dates any better. And it doesn't make you feel better the morning after either. But, you get up, put on some Martha Reeves and dance it out. You might cry while you're dancing. Can't even say I don't. But the song will end, you'll play it again, and you'll feel a little better. 

More than anything: Keep loving. No matter how much it hurts, keep loving.

LIFE AND OTHER THINGS

⏐original photo⏐

Life's been funny lately. "Funny" probably isn't a good or descriptive enough word to really get down to the real feelings of what's happening these days.

Instead of speaking of any saddening or darker things that may or may not have happened lately, instead I will share the happy light things.

Let's start with what I like to call, "My hellish adventure in flower cutting". I say "hellish" because, in hindsight it wasn't so bad, but at the time it was one of the lower valleys of my life since I'd come home. I'm talking crazy gossiping old ladies that refer to their husbands as "my man" and let strangers weigh in on their sex lives. All this and some serious cuts that left a scar on my thumb from trimming stems at 45 degree angles, mornings of water soaked shirts and hose wrestling, buckets filled to the brim with the thorniest of roses, and you got yourself a glimpse at a week in a flower shop. Needless to say I have realized that it is just not in my calling, and I'm more than okay with that. Just because you're creative doesn't mean you can create everything. That week set into motion the knowing of how much bigger God's plans for my life were and that I needed to remember that, even in the simple frustrations of arranging a dozen long stem roses.

I've been submerging myself in Matt Chandler's "Mingling of Souls" and boy oh boy, is it a game-changer. Y'all, dating is weird. It's messy and complicated and scary. It also doesn't get any better or easier with age. I think if anything it gets messier, more complicated, and scarier. Especially when you are getting to know someone. That's kind of where I'm at right now. I am starting to like someone. It's so much fun having a crush on someone - sitting with your friends decoding what they text you or how they act when you're in the same room together. Doing victory dances when they text you after a day of not hearing from them, especially when you were strong and didn't text them first. But then you will spend hours obsessing. Why are they talking to me so much if they're not asking me out? Are we just friends? Am I in this mystical "friend-zone" that the bitter, rejected men of the world talk about so much? Or does he have an interest in me and is too shy to ask me out? How can I fix this? PROBLEMS. It's hard for me sometimes because I try to be a take charge kind of person that helps bring resolution to any sort of problems. Guess what? It's not that simple. And it's even harder being a single christian lady. We want to be pursued and treasured. It's difficult to have patience and not listen to all that crap about "Don't be afraid! Ask him out!". No Cosmo, I like my guys asking me out themselves, please and thank you.

I had someone tell me the other day that I was a "Hipster Betty White". I think that may be one of the nicest compliments I've ever received from someone that hardly knows me. This person also informed my friends and me that we have a wonderful kind of friendship. I couldn't have agreed more.

・Psalm 51:16-17・

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, Oh God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise."

This has been a verse ringing through my ears this week. So many times I've been ashamed in my brokenness and have refused to even look to God for forgiveness. Whether it's guilt or being so in denial of my wrong doing and human-nature, I turn from it and refuse to acknowledge it. He tells us that even in our shame he loves us. Even in our dirtiest depths he still searches for us. And that my friends, that's enough for me. Oh how sweet it is to be loved by You, God. How sweet indeed.